As my first year final exams edge closer, I’m embarrassed to say that I’m spending 90% of my time procrastinating – thinking about a silhouette who barely gives a damn about my existence. A shadow – one that has been clouding my mind, ripping apart the tall wall I’ve spent years building as a safeguard to my feelings, taking down my sanity with it.
The shadow. It’s extremely versatile. It’s also mysterious; when you think you’ve figured it out, it morphs into something new, something utterly unimaginable and to your naive mind, intangible. One moment it appears in front of you, so close that you can almost hear it breathing, exhaling a cold mist that brushes against your own face. And the next moment, the shadow reverts to your back, tailing you like an agile stalker waiting for the right moment to pounce. Sometimes it’s small and petite while at other times it’s as large and frightening as a towering mountain. Whenever you reach out to feel it’s physical presence, it replies with nothing but emptiness – blank, dusky and secretive. But yet, all the enigma that the figure embodies doesn’t repel your sentient being, it only draws your muddled mind in deeper.
I’m confused. I’m guilty. I’m overwhelmed. I can’t seem to think of anything else; much less concentrate on the books I’m obliged to swallow in the remaining 30-ish days. This clearly isn’t who I am. The shadow is turning me into something else, someone I hope I won’t regret in the future. Why does life continue to take such sharp turns? I can only hope that I’m not losing a part of myself and 20% of my medical school experience for nothing. So tell me – is it worthwhile to be in love with a shadow?